you brought me here

twoxwhitexroses @ 2007-07-31T21:20:00

2007-08-01T02:18:05Z

what do you do when you run out of inspiration?

fake it?

twoxwhitexroses @ 2007-07-09T21:36:00

2007-07-10T04:41:35Z

mother fucker.

this isnt my life.
this is not my fucking life.
this is someone else's nightmare and i happen to be passing through it.

its like a tornado just ripped through everything that made up my life and im left behind, dizzy, exhausted from trying to hold on, and confused. trying desperatly to make sense of what in the hell just happened.

and all i can do is swallow a sominex and fall asleep, and hope and pray that when i wake up it will all be over.

but deep down i know better.

i dont want to move to texas. i dont want to have to move to texas. i shouldnt have to, cuz this shouldnt be happening. i just dont understand.

twoxwhitexroses @ 2007-03-28T21:07:00

2007-03-29T04:10:41Z

the bad stuff:
i havent been this busy and stressed in a long time. and that is saying a lot.
i also havent been this poor in a long time, which is also saying a lot. i wish my car would stop dying, or i had a job that i could legally prove i have so someone would give my money and i could get a new car.
school is stealing away all of my creativity and artistic motivation. im so tired of being told when to be creative and how. its destroying me.
and, im becoming one of those horrible friends who dissapears. my missed call list is much too long, and im very very sorry for it.

the good stuff:
im basically positive i have the most amazing boyfriend ever. worth a 2 1/2 year wait.
sappy.

twoxwhitexroses @ 2007-01-18T21:59:00

2007-01-19T05:00:04Z

what a fool am i

twoxwhitexroses @ 2007-01-13T08:41:00

2007-01-13T15:42:16Z

kyle is the hero of my life.

PROBLEM!!!!!

2007-01-10T01:08:50Z

these are the innocent victims of a certain step-parent's desire to be free of obligations or responsibility or commitment.

my cats.
i have 3.
and they have no home, or at least they wont extremly soon.
i dont know what to do, it literally terrifies me.
if you know me at all, you know they are my babies, i cant get rid of them. i would be devestated.
i cant take them to my moms house because she is allergic, and her 2 greyhounds will kill them in a second.

i dont know what to do.

someone, please help me.

youve always been barely alive

2007-01-09T00:11:35Z

why are we, as human beings, so set on destruction? it clings to us, we reek of it. we will spend our entire lives working constantly, always scrambling desperatly for more. nothing will ever, ever be enough. and we will take the fruits of our labor and use to gain materialistic goods. whatever we think will make us happy. and when it fails, we sill spend the remainder of our little fortunes on medicine and therapy. we will either always be looking for the latest medical marvel to cure us of whatever ailement we probably inflicted on ourselves during our desructive course, or we wil turn to therapy, always searching for a new reason, a new explanation for why we are the way we are. and it wont matter what the therapist says, we will still search. in vain, we will always search. and we wil certainly not listen to any kind of advice or explanation that doesnt fit our self destructive, blame someone else lifestyle. we wont accep genuine explanations or reasons or treatments. we wont accept God or religion as the fullfillment for our loniness. we wont accept the blame as our own. we wont accept the futility of it all, provided we never truelly open our eyes to, well, the truth.we wont accept the destruction, not of ourselves, our families, our homes, our country, our planet. we will live, half alive, in a world of muted colors.

and we will marry. because, how can we ever be happy without someone by our side? someone who is the picture of perfection on the outside. and who realy cares that on the inside they are just as black and as empty as the rest of us. becuse, we can worry about that later. which is code for we can fix and change that later. all that matters is that for now we are satisfied, we are fulfilled, we are complete. all because of that equally worthless and empty person by our sides.

and then we will wake up and discover it wasnt at all what we had planned. and we will seek new answers, and they will lead us away from where we are, but even farther still from the only chance we have at survival. it will lead us to a new destruction, a new death. and all the while we will be singing its praises, going on and on about this "new clarity" and these "new answers". explanations, youll call them, for the desperate way youve lived your entire life. and all the while, the rest of us will be rolling our eyes and clling you a fool. and yet, you wont stop until you destroy everything.

my parents are getting divorced.

and the other thought in my mind:
how can i compete with someone who, im very certain, is only a better version of me? everything about me, brought to the best potential. how can i, the lesser version, compete with that?
especially for someone who is unaware this version even exists.

more importantly

2006-12-16T02:10:30Z

i am now an offical member of the Arizona Professional Photographer's Association.

hooray for me!!!!!!!!!!

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-12-14T20:03:00

2006-12-15T03:03:32Z

it has come to my attention recently that i am a carbon copy of every other girl around my age. we all look the same, talk the same, dress the same, and are interested in the same things.

this disgusts me.
but ive got no ideas for how to not be the same.

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-12-11T13:34:00

2006-12-11T20:34:40Z

i woke up this morning, in a surpsrisingly pleasant mood. its amazing what a little faith can do.
and caffeine, i cant be anything but happy when im so hyped-up i can barely type. but whatever.

anyway, the thought in my head was, i may be vulnerable, and fragile, and i may wear my heart on my sleeve, but im also resiliant. when it comes down to it, i am strong, i can get through anything, i dont stay down for long.

and not that this really has anything to do with anything, but my mom likes to email me "thoughts for the day" and i particularly like this one:
"if i stop trying to be somewhere all the time, i can realize that i'm right in the middle of the most amazing part of life."
i like that.

also, i miss kathryn.
and, i totally know i still owe you flowers. as soon as im not broke, youll get 'em!
and, im 21 in 11 days. thought you should know...

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-10-28T22:40:00

2006-10-29T05:52:38Z

things are good.

this week, i got all the photo assingments i was stressed about done, and im rather pleased with how they turned out.
i did not overdraft my account
i saw the departed last nighy, and sice i enjoy bloody guy movies, it was excellent
i got my last paycheck from pls, and since i was on salary, working 7 hours out of one pay preiod resulting in my still getting a $744 check.
tonight i saw the science of sleep with mike. and we ate ice cream. and, that movie is so wonderfully amazing.
tomorrow, we'll see
monday, mewithoutyou. enough said.
tuesday, halloween with the cutest 6 year old ever
and next friday, its first friday.

yay.

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-10-13T19:41:00

2006-10-13T19:43:44Z

it makes me happy when i see my tattoos on the backs of cars. haha

i want to go to sedona for a day. anyone want to come with me? and by come with me, i mean drive. not that i dont want to, i would love to, but my car, not so trustworthy.

but sometimes, you just need to get away. or at least i do.

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-10-10T20:49:00

2006-10-11T03:53:13Z

i need someone. with me. here. right now. so bad.
do you understand?

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-10-10T20:08:00

2006-10-11T03:29:45Z

you have no idea how much i hate being that girl. the one who, you read the journal entries and just think "get over it"

but, i really need someone to be here with me right now.

2 years, ive waited. every day, even when i was able to convince myself i didnt care. whch i was also able to do all day today. i didnt care. but, regardless, ive waited, for the phone call, message, whatever.

shame on you for making me think all my waiting was not in vain. 2 years, i wasted, loving only you. despite what everyone told me about deserving better, despite me telling myself that. its all just words. and words mean nothing. its silence that counts. how dare you do this to me, again. number three. again. and again and again.
i loved you more than i knew i could.
look where its gotten me.
annually. once a year, you destroy me.

i could never lie with myslef knowing ive done THIS to someone, so many times.

everything is so much eaier said than done. everything

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-10-08T20:05:00

2006-10-09T03:08:55Z

im moving to rochester, ny.
i need a new, everything.

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-10-06T21:26:00

2006-10-07T04:33:26Z

also, it must be the night for pets named stella to dissapear.
mine was trapped on the other side of the fence, in the yard of the neighbors who hate us. and when i say hate, i mean HATE.

seriously, i should win a gold medal for all the acrobatics i had to preform to get her back. like, hanging over the fence by a leg while the other limbs try to grab and hold the stool i had to throw over the fence in order to get myself back over it. and all the times i knocked it over trying to get it.

im just glad there were no witnesses.
but seriously, she picks fights with cats, and dogs, and she gets stuck places. like she doesnt realize she has no claws.

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-09-25T22:18:00

2006-09-26T05:24:01Z

things that dont matter:
andrew schleiger.
thats all.

um, anyway, because im too lazy to do this as a response:

michael,
im pretty sure you left me a message saying "dont hate"
which is wonderful.

also, after tmobile has once again shut off my phone, i am currently unreachable. i see this, actually, as a blessing of sorts. i mean, ive already given them $400 this month and i refure to give them any more. so, im officially off the radar. probably a good thing.

and on that note, i will not be showing up for work. one day, very soon.
so if anyone wants to slip away in the middle of the night and drive until the car breaks down, send a message my way, cuz im there.

and, because i will have no job to hold me down, i wi ll also be free for hanging out, finally, very soon.

mike, that means you.
call me at work on wednesday at 8:25 am
602-288-1214.
i may walk out immediatly after that. we'll see.

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-08-22T23:16:00

2006-08-23T06:25:12Z

where are all the non-scummy people???

and how is one supposed to believe they have any value when everyone around tells them repeatedly they are worth nothing?

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-08-09T23:49:00

2006-08-10T06:52:18Z

i cant sleep.
ever.

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-07-27T22:58:00

2006-07-28T05:06:56Z

so, theres nothing to do in fort collins on a thursday night anymore.

but anyway, this is the news.

small towns and run down houses are scary.

tattoos behind the ears do not hurt.

amazing people live everywhere. i want to collect them all in one spot so i can stop having to move.

alley cat's chai is the best ever. ever.

really, im thinking this city has died.

warped tour is so much better when it doesnt involve phoenix.

my best skill is not learning from old mistakes
but
sometimes, i can still surprise myself.

i think that just about covers colorado.

twoxwhitexroses @ 2006-07-14T16:24:00

2006-07-14T23:28:51Z

deleting my myspace was complety pointless now that i have hijacked rossil's.

tonight:
me
nikki
dillinger.

hot damn

we will dispose of it

2006-07-13T06:57:11Z

i totally forgot livejournal even existed. much les that i have like 4 of them.

so, heres how it goes

kathryn is, as always, my hero
and my strength

colorado is my heart
and 8 days is much too long of a wait

and thats all that matters

oh yea, and
you can get under my skin
but you cant break me
not now, not ever again

i know what im made of

twoxwhitexroses @ 2005-11-17T14:20:00

2005-11-17T21:21:40Z

i love that feeling when something new and exciting is happening.
but i hate the feeling of uncertainty thats bound to go with it.

hmmmm, well see....

p.s. im finally getting a haircut today. finally.

twoxwhitexroses @ 2005-10-14T15:54:00

2005-10-14T21:55:05Z

mikes coming in a like 10 days.
i guess im kinda excited

twoxwhitexroses @ 2005-09-25T23:23:00

2005-09-26T05:23:54Z

kathryn dale i love you so much.

just so you always know